what comes next?
a little more than a year into my transition, i started thinking about what would come next in terms of my life and identity. at the time i was fully reveling in my new self and it felt amazing to explore my transness. with that said, i also knew i didnt want to be transitioning forever. i didnt want to stagnate like i had done for so many years previously. so i filed those thoughts away because i knew i wasnt done yet. i was still finding myself as a trans woman (which also served as the gateway to connecting with my own humanity).
lately ive been thinking again about whats next. this time is different in that its not just an intellectual exercise, but something i feel. obviously my trans identity is still important to me, but im also ready to explore other parts of myself. im ready to be someone more than just a trans woman. like who am i as a queer woman? who am i as an artist? who am i when im in community? i want to explore these other parts of myself.
its not just me either. i kind of feel like other people in my life are moving on. for example, in my main online friend group, i feel like everyone has moved on from me being trans. now im just a woman in the group. me being trans isnt new for them anymore and no one is confused about how to navigate it. i just get to exist as a woman now. it feels good. the same can be said for my family. its just who i am and me being trans is not central to how im seen. im just my parents daughter and my sisters sister. perhaps its time for me to move on too.
when i think about what i initially wanted from transition, nothing really comes to mind. i just knew it had to happen if i wanted to progress as a person. i truly had no expectations. what i found was more wonderful and difficult than i could have imagined. i found myself in a body i loved. i found myself wearing clothes that felt like me. i found people who understood and loved me. i found a voice that belongs to me. i found a spine and strength i never knew i had. i will cherish this period of my life for the rest of my life. these beautiful discoveries and experiences. the love and heartbreak. every second of joy felt and every tear shed. but its not meant to last forever. i want to always be progressing, never again stagnating. with that feeling as my guide, i think im ready for what comes next.