i dont like being alone anymore
i used to spend a lot of time alone. like, a lot. i preferred it to being around people most of the time. it felt comfortable and safe to be by myself playing video games. i valued my connections with others, but they also felt like connections to the outside world and feeling connected to the outside world was stressful. my favorite part of the day was almost always marked by time alone. time to recharge, time to think, time to be myself by myself.
it wasnt always that way. i was a lot more sociable, especially online, when i was a preteen. there was a sense of excitement and anticipation for meeting new people and spending time with them. i became a much more solitary person as i grew into my teens. without getting into it, there were moments of broken trust that caused me to withdraw into myself. something about lost innocence. it was a state of being that i got used to as the years passed and like many other aspects of life, it was something i gave up on reclaiming.
that changed when i started transitioning. i got this massive second wind in my desire to socialize. suddenly, meeting new people was fresh and exciting again. making friends and spending time with them energized me in a way i hadnt felt for more than a decade. it felt rejuvenating, like i had reclaimed that part of myself that i thought i would never connect with again. i think the epitome of this phase was staying up all night talking to different friends and then talking more the following day, which culminated in having dinner with my Dad.
in those moments when i wasnt spending time with someone, i realized that i didnt want to be alone anymore. i took no comfort in it, nor did i feel recharged. socializing, and by extension interacting with the world gave me energy. i spent so much of my teen and adult life being alone. wanting to be alone. wanting to be away from the world. its just not like that anymore. i love spending time with people, i love being part of the world, i want to be part of the world.
it makes sense to me in hindsight that this would coincide with my transition. i feel truly alive for the first time, therefore i want to experience the beauty of the world and everyone in it. almost like a part of the innocence i lost was restored. not because my innocence was especially important, but because it gave me hope for the future.