how i refer to myself in the past
transitioning is a really cool, amazing, rad process, but its also a lot to navigate. especially as it relates to the past. the photo library on my phone goes back until about December of 2020, so there are photos of me pre trans. side note, i have barely any pictures of myself pre trans, but post trans i have SO many. its almost like i like myself now or something. ANYWAY. so when i see old photos of me, im not really bothered by them. i think theyre funny to be honest. world's most miserable man vs happiest woman alive kind of thing. there are old photos of me in my parent's house too, for example, which also dont bother me.
its interesting though because when talking about myself pre trans in a trans context, its fairly straightforward. i refer to myself as a guy because thats what i was at the time. but what about before that, or what about referring to myself pre trans in a non trans context? for me, its actually also very straightforward. i refer to myself as a girl.
for example, i was talking to a friend last night and we were talking about getting angry at video games. i said that i used to be an angry little girl. another example would be saying i am my father's daughter. to me, i see my soul as that of a woman's and ive always felt that even when i didnt have words to describe it. so while i may have grown up as a boy, retrospectively i can see that was not exactly the case. sometimes i even see myself as a reverse trans man so to speak. i think maybe thats a topic for a different post though.
regardless of how i choose to refer to myself in the past, i have always been a trans girl. ive always felt different. ive always been different. so why not refer to myself as a girl when referencing the past? it fits the continuity of my existence as far as i see it. my understanding of my physical self is temporary and limited, but my understanding of my soul will be with me for as long as i live.